So I’ve spent an extraordinary long amount of time in airports the past couple of days.  For each of my destinations, I would have arrived hours earlier if I had driven.  Since I have time, I spend most of it watching people and observing.

The first observation is the computer interface that airline gate agents use to issue boarding passes.  Why is this so complicated?  I had one of the most common transactions – issue a boarding pass for this flight.  They typed in my name, my record locator, and then hundreds upon hundreds of keystrokes.  For what could they possibly need to type that much?  Here’s how it should work: Type the name and the computer says, “Hay, this guy missed his connecting flight and show the options to his destination.”  Choose from one of the available options.  Boarding pass prints.  This transaction was so complicated that the agent had to call someone to help, and then type hundreds of more keystrokes to finally get the ticket printed.  WTF? 

Second is women’s attire.  I appreciate a well dressed woman and admire one who has taken a little effort to look nice.  But come on women, the airport is not the place to wear tight skirts, low cut tops, and high heels.  If ever there is a place where you should be practical it is the airport.  Jeans, a comfortable blouse, and good walking shoes are what you should wear.  Now I know sometimes you’re traveling to or from a business meeting and need to be dressed for that meeting.  But couldn’t you wear a decent pair of shoes?  Maybe slacks instead of skirts.  Pull out your sneakers and wear those – many women do this at lunch to exercise.

Third.  This is a longer one with multiple concerns and a back story.  Here we go…

I was flying through Chicago ORD.  My incoming flight was delayed due to weather and I was booked on the next flight leaving in 3 hours.  No big deal.  I hear over the PA system that, “Catholic mass is being held in the chapel in 15 minutes at jfeiof k fjeo kfowijf jioergf jow kfowei qwwe (unintelligible)”.  Hmmm, I think.  I’ve never gone to church in an airport before.  I have plenty of time to kill.  Let’s give this a try for fun.

So I try to find the chapel.  Can’t be too hard can it?  I find one sign that says “Chapel” with an arrow pointing down the hall.  Awesome!  I go down the hall and see one more chapel sign with an arrow pointing straight ahead.  I continue walking for what seems like miles down the hall and find nothing.  I go back and retrace my steps without luck.  I look a third time, nothing.  I could ask someone, but this is, in part, a usability experiment.  Now this is a challenge.  Can I find the chapel on my own?

I’ve clearly missed mass so I grab lunch.  After lunch, undeterred, I venture off looking for the elusive airport chapel.  During lunch I hear over the PA another announcement about the chapel, mezzanine level, and Terminal 2.  Ah ha!  Clues!

Terminal 2.  Terminal 2.  What terminal am I in now?  The airport people know what terminal they are in because that is how they locate things from the outside.  But once you are on the inside, there is no indication of what terminal you are in now.  I had to leave terminal I was in, and go to that security void between terminals, that can best be described as purgatory, and look at signs behind me to both find my own terminal and where terminal 2 is.  The sign with the arrow that had failed me in the past indicated the direction of terminal 2.  I begin my walk.

Using the Terminal 2 clue I took the fork that is completely devoid of any chapel sign.  This is clearly the point where there must be a chapel directional sign if they want anyone to actually locate the chapel.  I find another fork pointing to Terminal 2 with a set of revolving doors that say Exit.  If I exit here, I’m going to have to go through security again, but it doesn’t actually indicate that fact.  My only indication is the out-of-shape TSA agent sitting in a chair.  Because my mission is for the greater good I hold my breath and exit the area.

My ninja training tells me I am now in the infamous terminal 2.  What was that second clue?  Mezzanine level.   Mezzanine level.  What’a a mezzanine?  Airports have only a couple of levels – the lower baggage claim level, the main level where all the gates are, and the upper level where the airport overlords live.  The upper level is where those offices are with people that must look down on us and laugh in a diabolical way.  These offices hold the computer terminals with the smite buttons that can be pressed to lose luggage and cause minor mechanical problems.  Could this holy level be the mezzanine level?

Signs now exist directing pilgrims like me to the chapel.  The overhead sign points down the security checkpoint and a final sign points to a mysterious door that mere mortals should not enter.  The TSA agent eyes me wearily and I sense the overloards above watching me.  The mysterious door is an unfinished stairwell that I clearly should not be in.  I go up the stairs to what I now know as the mezzanine level, look down on the travelers below.  A maintenance worker passes me as I go down the narrow hall.  

And there in front of me is the chapel.  It is beautiful.  There is no one in there but a priest muttering to himself about how no one comes to mass anymore.  How can that be?  With all the clearly marked signs and being easily accessible, how could there be no one here?  Ok, I’m being a bit sarcastic.